5 Short Lessons on Grief

My brother passed last week. It hit hard despite the reality that it had been expected for quite some time.

Grief has not been a stranger to me, and as I move through the grief cycle this go-round, I’m sharing some advice, to remind myself, as well as to support you if you’re encountering loss.

1. You can’t plan for this. You might prepare, as in imagining the event and your feelings and the dynamics that may transpire. You can be ready to deal with some of the details that will be required of you depending on the role you may play. You can emotionally build your stamina for grief by being fully present to your losses and your emotions as the loss hits and you move through the aftermath. And yet, with all this (and I do these things) you won’t know how it’s going to truly affect you until you are in it. I didn’t expect to be unraveling memories from childhood, revisiting relationships and roles from growing up, or to feel the deep, deep pain that had been held at bay in some ways for the painful life my brother led at the end. Even if I had known this would surface, it wouldn’t mean I could avoid or plan for this actual emotional roller coaster that it’s been. I need to surrender, feel and process. And practice good self-care (see #5)
2. Educate yourself about grief to become a proficient and respectful griever. Read about loss. Learn about what helps and ask what others need, without expecting it to be what you need or want. It’s all okay. There is no right or wrong, but there is education, and there is ignorance. We are rarely taught how to move through grief well, so we have to take it upon ourselves to learn. You will always fear or shy away from dealing with grief, both yours and others, until you feel more empowered on the topic by your own journey and learning.
3. Make no prediction about the time needed to feel better. Each loss has its own cycle from beginning to mostly closed (your heart always feels the losses, especially the big ones). You don’t know how that will proceed, or what it will take to move through it all and feel better, or to be “on the other side”, or ready to re-engage with life again more fully. It’s like a muscle to a certain extent, you build up your ability to handle loss by consciously moving through loss and feeling the emotions and learning from life’s fullness. And yet, because each loss is different and will hold a different learning and experience, you simply cannot predict how it will go, how long, or what you might need for support.
4. Don’t expect most people to respond well. When they do, appreciate them. Recognize who can help in what ways and let them do that. Someone may want to bring you dinner or flowers but be able to listen to all that you need to process and talk about. Someone else may not be able to take a walk with you but they might receive a letter and write back with loving support. Who are your people and how do they love you? Let them be who they are and ask of them what they can actually do but not for what they’ve shown you they don’t do.
5. Prioritize self-care. Whatever that looks like, whatever that means for you day-to-day. One day at a time. One week at a time and then one month at a time. Use your support system. Talk, cry and spend time in nature, alone, writing, whatever feels healing and helpful. Keep the emotions and energy moving. Uncover the gems. They are there. But can’t be rushed. Feel grateful and relieved when an aha arises. And then continue on the journey.

A good place to begin your own learning and personal inventory is Live Your Inner Power, the Journal. One whole section focuses on feeling and transforming grief because it is that important for living well as a human, in relationships, on this Earth, especially right now.

When you give yourself the time to embrace loss and allow the process to change you, you will find the gifts of loss as you go forward. But the road there is rocky and we need to get good at taking the careful steps to the other side, where some new life will begin to form.

I’m walking gently but steadily through and onward.